i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
