I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
