i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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