Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
