I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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