Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
