I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
