Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
