Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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