so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
