I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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