He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
