I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
