I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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