I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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