Your dad touched me again.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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