im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
