I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
the raccoons are back...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
