I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
