I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
