hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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