When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
