you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
PANTIES FOUND
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