Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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