whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
