just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
