1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
