my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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