Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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