i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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