She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
