you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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