I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Randomize
