I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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