I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
