you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
