My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
