Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
