god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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