you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
