my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
