Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
