I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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