Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
