i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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