3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
