my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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