So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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