I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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