i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
