Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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