If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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