At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
