I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
