just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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