They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
