my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
