When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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