I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don't deserve a penis
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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