After last night, I could never be a politician.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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