HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he shaved USA in his pubs
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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