I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
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