I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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