If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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