new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
