Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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