I'm eating all of the evidence.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
